Day 31

Summarizing the last week or so: Up North with Dana’s family, truck repaired, a bit more organizing, a tad more video games, a touch of TV and beading. 

I’ve been a bit lost in my own thoughts… not in a bad way (at least for me). I don’t feel like I’ve gotten much accomplished, but a couple of “chores” have gotten done each day. 

I think something is starting to “click.” A sense of relief from being in one house? The actuality of getting married again? The peace of realizing I can slow down because I’m not under any more deadlines? 

After rushing to get as much accomplished before going back to work or suffering a motivation meltdown, I’m experiencing a sort of euphoria. Not exactly blissful contentment yet, some unanticipated expenses and anxiousness about shifting insurance around prevents that. However, being able to sleep in, wake up, and drift off again without concern that I should really be doing something else is joyous. 

At the same time, I’ve conditioned myself to be productive, so there’s a slight air of guilt about being lax. The euphoria comes when I tell that guilt voice to screw off. 

I’ve also got a dangling thread of a thought that I’m trying to figure out how to take care of without unraveling. I’ve already acknowledged the concern that without external stresses, I may get trapped in my own flavor of funk. So, there’s no reason to rehash that thought overall, but some new perspectives have emerged about that. 

First perspective: I’m a frontline soldier  going AWOL from the battle of the ideological war of public education. 

Second perpective: Without external deadlines, it doesn’t really matter when I get things done. If it doesn’t matter when they get done, they don’t really matter at all. If the things I’m doing don’t matter, I don’t matter. 

That second perspective has always been present, but I’ve been able to remind myself that being a teacher matters, thus giving me an ability to provide an illusion of purpose. 

Without teaching, I no longer am able to create that illusion. Ultimately, that’s okay with me. Where it becomes problematic is when I need to engage with other people. I have always hated when people say, “Someone’s got too much time on their hands,” after viewing some effort that they believe is frivolous, unnecessary, or burdensome.

It’s said as an insult… as a judgment. I don’t like that, and even more so now because whatever I choose to do with the rest of my life will be a product of having time on my hands. Not “too much.” There’ll never be “too much,” in fact, there’ll never be enough. 

I hate feeling unmotivated. Today, for example, I woke up at 3:45pm after playing a bunch of Star Wars Battlefront until about 2am, then laying in bed playing an Nintendo 3DS until around 5am. It’s currently just about midnight meaning I’ve only been awake for about eight hours. 

I did the paperwork routine today, went out to dinner with Dana, and after a couple of episodes of Breaking Bad, I’m ready to sleep again. Why? I’d like to get some organization done in the basement so I can clear my workshop area in order to fire some more glass. I could be inventorying the books stacked on the dining room table to get those put away leaving relatively little to be organized in our living space. Hell, it’s a double XP weekend on Star Wars Battlefront, and I could be taking advantage of that. 

Instead, I’m laying in bed again with heavy eyes just wanting to sleep. So to sleep I shall. Perchance to wake at a “normal” hour. 

12:00am 

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Author: cinkyblog

I am me.