When I think about all the jobs I had, the most miserable aspect of any of them was the inability to get to sleep at a proper time. That was my biggest problem with school too. While there were plenty of times I would have rather have been any place else than in a class or at work, I don’t recall ever really hating what I was doing. My problem has always been the elusive regular sleep pattern.
Even though I don’t need to, I still take some over-the-counter sleeping pills here and there… not as many at once… and not every night. But, if I have a desire to get to sleep, I need some help doing so.
Take last night for example. I was absolutely certain that I was tired enough to fall asleep at 9:30pm. But, after tossing and turning for a number of hours, I finally conceded around 1:00am that sleep wasn’t going to happen. And, I was incredibly thankful that I didn’t have to worry about waking up for work. That — right there — may have been the barrier keeping me from knowing happiness.
It was blissful having the thought cross my mind during the tossing and turning, “I wonder when those library books are due.” Getting up to check; feeling relief that they weren’t due until next week; thinking, “might as well;” grabbing one, and reading it … all the way through.
The book was Deep Storm by Lee Child. It was nothing more than a popcorn novel: entertaining, action driven, chapter endings begging for more. There was absolutely no character affinity. At the moment, I can’t even recall the main character’s name, and I just put the book down a half hour ago. So what?
I couldn’t sleep, so I read an entire book. The only thing I’ve got to try to remember to do today is take out the garbage(s) and unload the dishwasher per Dana’s request. She won’t be home until late tonight. Theoretically I’ll sleep and be up again before she gets home. Theoretically.
Yeah, I think I should start considering calling this strange feeling I’ve been experiencing as “happy.”