Day 136

The weeks sure do fly by a lot quicker now. 

This week has been incredibly unproductive, but I am satisfied. Battlefield 1 came out today, although I’ve been playing since Monday night thanks to a trial period and pre-order bonuses. I’ve logged over 30 hours of game time already. 

There are a few games I’ve but lots of hours into. And whenever I see 24, 48, 72, etc., I experience a bout of existential wonder. I have spent entire days… complete revolutions of the earth… playing certain games. I think Star Wars: Battlefront has the most hours logged. Now that I’m curious, I’m going to have to check out the big time suckers to see where things are at. 

The thing is, I stuck at these first person shooters that I devote so much time to. And, it’s not like I’m striving to be a pro competitive player. I also largely play multi-player matches with the head set off. Sometimes I’ll hook up with one or two friends, but not nearly as much as I did 3 and 4 years ago. In other words, I recognize that these games do not contribute to personal growth in any way. They do not help me acquire any useful skills, provide knowledge, or gain me credit in some niche social circle. 

So, I put 30 hours this week into this one game. I played until my eyes blurred and my hands hurt. I played when I couldn’t sleep. I woke up eager to play some more. 

… and it feels great! 

It makes me happy. I’m proud of myself for feeling happy. Oddly, I feel more pride in myself this week than any week I’ve felt productive and accomplished something. That should depress me; but, at this point, I’m training myself not to judge myself by some measure of worth to society. 

I did also cut the lawn and fork out slightly over $2700 for many needed car repairs to my Eclipse. Fortunately, the short drive I took from the mechanic back home freed me from thinking about needing a new car anytime soon. So there’s that. 

I’ve got a doctor’s appointment next week. It’s just an annual visit. I may go out kayaking with a buddy on Wednesday. 

The idea that this is my life now is finally setting in. When I think about the to do list, it’s not a dark cloud hanging over me. Stuff will get done when it gets done. 

Dana’s been active with work and coaching. She’s about at her limit, but volleyball is over so she’ll have some breathing room. Things have been great between us. 

Wow. Last week I was down for no particular reason. This week I’m feeling good. That’s what putting in 30 hours of a video game does for me. It makes me feel good. 

And, y’know what? I think I’m just going to continue playing it next week until another new game I’ve been looking forward to releases. I think I’m going to keep playing until I *want* to do something else, not force myself into doing something else because I feel like I *should* (standard chores excepted, of course). 

Yeah, that’s the plan, do this thing that makes me happy until I *want* to pick up the to do list… because that will happen… maybe not for a month… or until after the holidays… maybe not even until winter comes and goes and the weather gets nice again… maybe not even until Dana is on her summer break. I highly doubt it will take that long, but it’s time to turn it off and turn it back on. Reconfigure, reset, and reboot. 

I have a feeling I’m going to toss and turn for a few hours, and end up playing some more Battlefield instead of sleeping. So be it. 

2:22am

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Day 128

Most days I wake up not wanting to do anything. I like sleeping.

Most nights I don’t want to stop whatever it is I’m doing. I hate going to sleep.

When I do drag myself out of bed, I have “energy” to do things except that I lack inspiration and motivation. Laying in bed wrestling the Sandman I’m inspired and motivated, but lack the “energy.”

This is absolutely nothing new. What is new is the ability to try to reconcile those conflicts. And I have no idea how to.

There are sometimes a couple of days where I go to bed “normally,” like last night: asleep by 11pm. And I wake up in the morning, like now, at 7am. I’ve got a seemingly never-ending list of things that could be done. But, honestly, the only thing that really sounds appealing is going back to bed.

I’m not going to right now.

I’m just going to finish drinking this half-glass of kombucha while rambling on for a while, then I’m going to play some video game (Dues Ex: Mankind Divided) for awhile.

I think the thing that’s keeping me down is bills. Insurance has come due; a car needs repairing; we’ve got the trip to NYC to pay for; another lawyer bill waits; and it’s a down week for the market. It’s not that I’m stressed out about the expenditures so much. My benchmarks are being met and everything is able to be paid off.  That is significant. I guess I’m down because instead of being waaay ahead, we’re just keeping up or possibly slightly ahead. It’s stupid: being bummed because I can’t plan extravagances instead of being elated that bills are due and the money is in the account to pay for them.

And it’s not like I don’t have enough to do that doesn’t require spending money: a yard to clean up, some organizational project, hobbies, books, video games. I don’t lack for things to keep me occupied.

So what is it? This fog? It’s not a dark cloud by any means. But the sun isn’t shining either. It wouldn’t really bother me except that Dana notices it and thinks there’s something wrong, which makes me consider that something might be off.

No. Nothing is off. I’m just me. Sleepy, low-energy, resting scowl faced me. In fact, I feel pretty darn good (except when I think about the bills and chores, grrr). I regret that those feelings don’t translate into a display of unbridled energy and smiles.

I could still easily go back to bed or just sit around all day watching TV while beading. But, I’m going to play some video game for awhile to see if I can trigger the motivation or inspiration to do something on the “to do list.”

7:56am

Day 1?? 

In New Jersey, a river away from Manhattan. Thoughts aplenty. Wanna listen to some Lou Reed. 

My feet hurt. My calves burn. 

Yet, I am content. 

12:16am