Day 128

Most days I wake up not wanting to do anything. I like sleeping.

Most nights I don’t want to stop whatever it is I’m doing. I hate going to sleep.

When I do drag myself out of bed, I have “energy” to do things except that I lack inspiration and motivation. Laying in bed wrestling the Sandman I’m inspired and motivated, but lack the “energy.”

This is absolutely nothing new. What is new is the ability to try to reconcile those conflicts. And I have no idea how to.

There are sometimes a couple of days where I go to bed “normally,” like last night: asleep by 11pm. And I wake up in the morning, like now, at 7am. I’ve got a seemingly never-ending list of things that could be done. But, honestly, the only thing that really sounds appealing is going back to bed.

I’m not going to right now.

I’m just going to finish drinking this half-glass of kombucha while rambling on for a while, then I’m going to play some video game (Dues Ex: Mankind Divided) for awhile.

I think the thing that’s keeping me down is bills. Insurance has come due; a car needs repairing; we’ve got the trip to NYC to pay for; another lawyer bill waits; and it’s a down week for the market. It’s not that I’m stressed out about the expenditures so much. My benchmarks are being met and everything is able to be paid off.  That is significant. I guess I’m down because instead of being waaay ahead, we’re just keeping up or possibly slightly ahead. It’s stupid: being bummed because I can’t plan extravagances instead of being elated that bills are due and the money is in the account to pay for them.

And it’s not like I don’t have enough to do that doesn’t require spending money: a yard to clean up, some organizational project, hobbies, books, video games. I don’t lack for things to keep me occupied.

So what is it? This fog? It’s not a dark cloud by any means. But the sun isn’t shining either. It wouldn’t really bother me except that Dana notices it and thinks there’s something wrong, which makes me consider that something might be off.

No. Nothing is off. I’m just me. Sleepy, low-energy, resting scowl faced me. In fact, I feel pretty darn good (except when I think about the bills and chores, grrr). I regret that those feelings don’t translate into a display of unbridled energy and smiles.

I could still easily go back to bed or just sit around all day watching TV while beading. But, I’m going to play some video game for awhile to see if I can trigger the motivation or inspiration to do something on the “to do list.”



Author: cinkyblog

I am me.