Day 303

Have I mentioned that for the first time in a long time, I’m anxious for it to start getting nicer out… because I want to spend time outside? That’s weird for me. 

I seem to have been overly tired recently. I’m worried that it’s because I’m not feeling pressure to get anything in particular done. And, even though I’m not anticipating Spring Break or the end of the school year, I’m still somewhat in sync that those things mean some nature of change. 

I’m starting to get curious about my reactions to the start of the 2017-2018 school year. That will mark a full year of not distinguishing between a school day and a non-school day, between a weekday and a weekend, between night and day. It will also mark the end of the beginning of a hopefully long journey of that routine. 

The past couple of weeks I’ve been in a routine of painting minis, experimenting with the kiln, crocheting, practicing the banjo, getting caught up with Star Wars universe non-film stories, struggling to get into an exercise routine, and brewing kombucha. I also got my taxes done, which wasn’t a thrilling task. 

National politics are irking me. As is the ongoing mess of RUSD as it applies to Dana. 

I think right now I’m just adjusting to having lived a life “waiting” for the next step (graduation, Spring Break, summer, retirement) to sitting at the finish line much earlier than expected and not knowing how to frame my day-to-day outlook. 

It’s an awfully big change from beginning nearly every task with, “Now, I have to…,” to “Um, I guess I can….” I just feel like I’ve fallen into the trap I hoped to avoid, and that trap is saying to myself, “I can nap” a bit more than seems right. 

But, I don’t really know if I’m sleeping more than I should be. That’s the problem with not having accomplished tasks recognized by some external source. “Are the essays graded yet?” “Did you get your grades done?” Those things get checked off as accomplished, and there’s an acknowledgement that I’ve done what’s expected of me. 

Now…? That which I accomplish is primarily only recognized by me. I am absolutely okay with that. Grateful, in fact. The problem is only that since I don’t have an external opinion of “task accomplished,” I’m not feeling a sense of completion. And, now I have a bunch of tasks “in progress” with no clear points of starts and finishes, which leaves me feeling like I’m not really accomplishing anything at all. 

… and so what? 

9:52pm 

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Author: cinkyblog

I am me.